This post, by Tamara Hiscock, is a reflection on the “To Hope or Not To Hope” sermon as part of the “I Have to Do What????” sermon series.
When Elaine had asked me on Friday if I could write a reflection for this week’s sermon that was based on Hope, I said yes without a second thought. To be truthful it has been something I have been struggling with for a little while as I have been dealing with some challenges and my mental health has not been great recently. I feel like not mentioning that would be an injustice to everyone that lives with some form of mental health struggles because when we talk about it it chips away at the stigma that surrounds it.
I figured it would force me to look at the topic of “Hope” and what that means. I was feeling hopeful about writing a reflection…
Then I received a call at 3 am to tell me that my 37-year-old cousin passed away…Then just after midnight on Saturday, I received another call…my other cousin (her mother) who was only 66 passed away. Now my family is planning a double funeral for this week.
I listened to Elaine’s sermon and I found myself trying to figure out what I could write. I was trying to force it. I was trying to force myself to write about how I would consider myself a hopeful person. How my Hope is so well rooted, so much so that I know that when you open that box that cat is going to be alive, but that’s not the case. I was now feeling less than hopeful in even writing this reflection. I re-listened to the sermon and stopped trying to find the words that I thought people would want me to write.
In this moment as I write this I would be lying if I said I’m hopeful that cat is alive. I’m opening that box fully expecting it to be dead.
I have a rather large family…my Grandmother was one of twenty and my Grandfather was one of eleven. Even today most of my relatives have at least 4 children. I’ve experienced loss several times. By the time I was 30 I had no surviving grandparents, I lost my Dad and countless aunts, uncles and young cousins. It is almost miracle like for anyone in my family to reach the age of 70…60 is even a rare occurrence, so I’ve experienced loss and in experiencing so much loss it’s very hard to stay hopeful. My grandmother was 55 when she died suddenly, and my grandfather was 41 when he suffered his first heart attack. Out of the 20 children, my Nan was a part of; there are 10 that remain. All have died before the age of 70…My mom just turned 50 and I find myself hoping, wishing and praying that she surpasses her parent’s life expectancy. My Dad didn’t get to see 60 and at times it starts to feel bleak that my mom will with the continued loss. Sometimes I even think of my demise.” Ok, Tamara, you’ve probably got another 30 years left and that’s it”. It sounds so ridiculous but it’s a legitimate unspoken fear for my family.
I wanted to write about how I’m always expecting to open that box and see that cat alive and well, but some days I’m expecting it to be dead and other days I feel like it’s a 50/50 chance that it could go either way. I sometimes think that I have more learning to do as a Christian or I’m not a good enough Christian because I have my doubts some days and my Faith and Hope sometimes isn’t as rooted as it “should be” but the truth is I’m human. When you feel like you’re being overwhelmed with loss and bad news it’s hard to stay hopeful in those times. Throw mental health into the mix and some days it feels almost impossible. How do you stay hopeful when you have to bury your child? How do you stay hopeful when you’re homeless and living on the streets? How do you stay hopeful when you hear about young kids taking their own lives because of how hopeless they feel? How do you stay hopeful when all around you every day there’s so much hopelessness in the world? Sometimes I wonder how I’m a hopeful person at all, but then I remember it’s not about me and what I’m capable of. I’m not capable of being that hopeful person on my own. None of us are.
So, as I sit here and grieve the loss of two more family members and struggle with my mental health. I try to slow down and reflect on how God has come through in my life over the years. I remember what He has done in my life and it helps me find that hopefulness and allows me to look forward to what He may have for me in the future. I’ve learned that remembering some of your key answered prayers from the past can give you the ability to have a fresh dosage of Hope right now and we all need a little hope. I know I do.
If you’re struggling like I am right now in feeling like that cat is dead. I challenge you to slow down and try to remember all the times God showed up, the prayers that were answered and all the times that you opened the box and the cat was alive and well…and if you’re still struggling reach out and for the ones that are able to please reach in.